All behaviour is communication.
Children share how they are feeling through their behaviour, actions and interactions with others.
We sometimes use the analogy of an iceberg to explain why children and young people behave in ways we may find challenging.
Find out more about the iceberg analogy on the YoungMinds website
Understanding what your child’s behaviour is trying to communicate will help you to identify their needs and support them.
Understanding the causes of behaviour
Everyone has a window of tolerance where they feel at their personal best.
When your child is in their window of tolerance, they:
- feel safe and secure
- can think, learn and relax
- might feel some stress or pressure, but it is not uncomfortable
Things happen throughout the day that affect how your child is feeling. We call these stressors.
Stressors can make people 'feel on edge'. We call this feeling hyper-arousal. This can results in behaviours such as:
- physical aggression
- risky behaviours
- anger
- fidgeting
- irritability
They can also cause people to 'shut down'. We call this hypo-arousal. This causes less obvious behaviours, such as:
- withdrawing
- being quiet
Everyone’s window of tolerance is a different size. We all manage stress differently. This is why some people appear to be more resilient than others.
Understanding your child’s brain
Knowing how your child’s brain works can help you to understand their behaviour.
Find out about the idea of an 'upstairs brain' and 'downstairs brain', and how this affects our emotions on the Start Now website.
Watch a video about the brain and the effect of stress on the EmpowerU Education Building Resilience YouTube Channel.
Find a Sensory Awareness toolkit on the Essex Infolink website.
Ways you can support your child
Managing our emotions is a skill.
You can support your child to soothe and manage their emotions. We call this co-regulation.
Find out about helping your child deal with emotions on the Action for Children website
It helps children to learn how to manage emotions on their own. We call this self-regulation.
Find out more about helping children self-regulate on the Understood website
Find out about support with your child’s mental health
Helping your child understand consequences
Using natural, logical consequences can help you manage your child’s behaviour.
An example of a natural consequence is a toy has been left outside, so now it has got wet and mouldy. An example of a logical consequence is apologising to another child after breaking their toy, or picking up paper that they have ripped up and scattered on the floor.
But, consequences can look different for children with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND). Especially if your child has communication needs or a learning disability. You may need to adapt your approach to your child’s needs.
Find out more about the importance of limits and consequences on the Place2Be website
Dealing with conflict
Supporting your child to manage their emotions and behaviour can lead to conflict.
Find out about setting boundaries and building positive relationships on the NSPCC website
Who to speak to for support with behaviour
For help understanding and managing your child’s behaviour, you can speak to:
- your school’s special educational needs coordinator (SENCO)
- your GP, who can make referrals to services that can help
- Essex Child and Family Wellbeing Service
- the Essex Educational Psychology (EP) helpline
- the School Nursing Team
If you think there is pain or other physical reasons affecting your child’s behaviour, speak to a medical professional.
If you are working with social care, they can support you with behaviour.
Find local support with behaviour
There are local services that can help.